Tourists Falling Down the Great Wall of China

What better way to say good bye to the old year than a trek up the Great Wall of China, visits to Chinese factories and palaces, and a stunning Chinese acrobatic show? As a matter of fact, I have seen so much excitement today that I don't know if I will make it until midnight. A drink in the hotel bar with strangers would just be anti-climactic anyway, considering the fact that my lively sisters are already sleeping for the night.

We met up with our tour last night and made acquaintances with fellow whities --mostly Canucks-- over a traditional, but delicious, Chinese roast duck dinner.

We started today bright and early and saw some neat things such as Chinese factories where they make beautiful artifacts and carve jade. Also the Summer Palace, a massive and lavish summer home and grounds for the Chinese Emperors of old.

But the highlight was climbing the Great Wall of China. It is as magnificent as the pictures in books depict. It's an incredible artifact- 3000 years old, built by the Emperor's workers (read slaves), and apparently for every meter of the very long wall, one life was claimed while building it. About 60-70% of the wall is in ruins. It slithers up and down the mountains like a snake and is more than a wall; rather thick cement stairs with lookout towers sprinkled around.

It snowed here yesterday and the terrain was actually beautiful as the trees and wall were frosted with snow. The problem is that the steps to climb the wall are quite steep. Put on a layer of snow and ice, and it's danger zone. Add a zillion tourists and it's downright entertaining. If I learned a Chinese word for every person I saw fall on their ass on the trek either up or down, I'd be bilingual. I hesitated to laugh too hard thinking I might meet my own demise, but when I landed safely with no mishaps, I couldn't stop laughing at all the people I saw tumble and slip down the Great Wall of China. I know those of you who know my sadistic side would expect nothing less from me. But trust me, it was hilarious to see every sex and race and age fall on their ass, and hear the matching exclamations in different languages.


The only disappointment was that we couldn't see too far around us from the lookout towers. The Chinese government and media call it fog; our local tour guide who grew up here tells us it's actually smog. Yes, Chinese pollution prohibited us from seeing the wall clearly from the top of the mountains. There is a major pollution problem in Beijing and it's sad that it leaves a hazy cloud looming over the city. We've seen it on chilly winter days- I can't imagine what humid summer days would bring. That is the reason the pictures are a little fuzzy, which is too bad, but it shows how serious the pollution problem really is here.

The other highlight of the day was an entertaining Chinese acrobatic show. The Chinese invented acrobatics thousands of years ago, and tonight's show surpassed entertaining. It was downright shocking seeing what these people could do with the human body in terms of bending and balance. It was almost stressful at some points. Imagine seeing a guy stack 8 chairs about 40 feet in the air, and then doing a headstand on top of the chair with no wires or net as a safeguard. It was remarkable, but nerve racking as well. The show was spectacular. I haven't even seen stunts like this on TV. We're talking 12 girls riding a bicycle (all balancing on top of each other), men juggling Asian boys, ladies walking across each other's heads...with every stunt the show just got more and more surreal. It was amazing and very well done.

Have a happy new year everyone! I'm having the time of my life out here, but I do miss my amazing family and crazy friends. Hard to believe that a week from today I will be on a plane ride home. I'm not sure I'm ready to starting thinking of that quite yet...

"Fragrant String of Old Adopted Mother" for dinner, anyone?

We had the laugh of the trip when we first arrived in Beijing, and I doubt we'll be able to top it. Meaghan, who has lived in Asia for 6 months and travelled it extensively, testified that she has never seen anything so funny in Asia before.

Upon hotel check in, number one priority on the list is to eat. We’re starving.

Of course as we are new to China, we reckon that need to eat some authentic Chinese food. We see a restaurant across the street and decide to go in. We are greeted at the door as if we are local celebrities and about four Chinese servers giggle and gawk at us and lead us to a seat.

“English?” We ask, half resigned, noting complicated Chinese characters everywhere. By this time we had already learned that English is a rare commodity here. It’s barely popular in Thailand and Korea, but way more prominent than in China.

A server grins and puts up one finger as if to say, “I be right back.” Within minutes she proudly produces a special menu, and a quick glance shows us that there is English translation under the Chinese writing.

We heave a sigh of relief and begin to peruse the menu. Several servers wait for us at the table, which is slightly unnerving in itself. Soon we start to giggle discretely. Then we start to laugh and all discretion is thrown out the window. Within seconds we have completely lost it, and are splitting our sides at the table. The Chinese servers are waiting for us and exchange puzzled looks. Finally they too start to laugh, because what else can they do?

What is so funny? You ask. Check out a couple of the menu pages here to see their English translations: Menu 1 Menu 2. (For my technically challenged friends, after you click the link it should open a new window and you can zoom in if you need to with the magnifying glass. If it doesn't work, sorry. I was unable to test due to the crappy Internet connection here.)

We ordered 3 things that sounded half normal, and rice.

Dish number one was called something with chicken. It was cold and you can see a picture of it here. Anyone who knows me knows I have sharp taste buds, and not only will I eat anything, but love food many people hate: seafood, sushi, olives. Sure, the dish looked about as appealing as Michael Jackson’s face, but you can’t judge a book by its cover, right? I’ve never found a food that I really hate.

There’s a first time for everything. This dish made my blood curdle. I could barely swallow it. It tasted like old, slimy spam with sauerkraut, honey, and hot sauce. I tried it again, to give it a chance. But I almost puked. We still don’t know if it was a meat or a vegetable. For all I know it could have been dog. Obviously you can’t trust the English translations on the menu and if that was chicken, we’re going to die because that was one odd and unhealthy chicken.

Dish number two looked cabbagey. I popped a rolled cabbage in my mouth and choked and coughed. My eyes leaked like a broken canoe. My mouth was, once again, a blazing inferno. My nasals and sinuses were instantly cleared. My lovely sisters laughed very hard at me.

Dish number three was actually delicious. Sweet and sour pork, just like you might order at a Chinese restaurant back home, but the real deal. Thank God for small miracles.

If anyone wants a job in Beijing, English translation proofreading would be a great place to start.

Lost In Translation

Yesterday we arrived in Beijing, China! With every country we go to, the weather gets worse. Thailand: 30 degrees. Korea: 16 degrees. Beijing: subzero. Yes, Beijing is colder than Hilter’s heart, but we still love it and the weather will only create fun memories. We will just have to bundle up, grab a green tea to go, and walk fast.

We are staying in a ritzy Holiday Inn in downtown Beijing. Before you call us high maintenance, know that we’re part of an English tour here which was booked through a Korean travel agency. It’s a nice change from the hostels and “winging it” mentality in Thailand. And since Lynae and I have our own hotel room, and therefore beds, it’s a great respite from sleeping on the floor of Meaghan and Kevin’s cramped studio apartment. No kidding, the hotel rooms are probably bigger than their apartment, and they are just an average size. Since English here is about as common as ethnic food in Sarnia, we haven’t regretted our decision to join a tour. We are here for 2 days until the tour starts to have some fun on our own.

Last night we had the laugh of the trip, and I must share because I have a hunch my fellow English speaking Canadian friends will find it just as humorous as we did. However, I'll have to try to post it tomorrow because of our sketchy hotel Internet connection. I need to do some HTML jigging to deliver the punchline and am having a hard time uploading files. (I told the hotel the Internet was barely usable and they blamed it on an earthquake in Taiwan. Hmmm...)

Today we explored the city as we froze our asses off. Highlights included a ride in a pedicab (see picture above) through the hutangs (old alleys) of Beijing where the locals live. They cram 35 people into a little shack. It's sad, really. There is no heat to be found from what we could see; going into shops required the full winter gear. Even the tea shop we visited to warm up also lacked heat, ironically enough. The language barrier is exceptionally tough here. We said, "tea", made sipping motions with our hands, and she nodded with a smile. She brought back a substance that looked like murkey, watery milk and said in very broken English: "Butter tea with salt." We almost spewed it everywhere. Rancid milk would have probably tasted better. It was awful and we practically shot it just to get some warmth to our bones.

We visited a park which had old Chinese buildings surrounding a frozen lake. We were the only white people there, and it seemed like a local hangout where the middle aged Chinese could express themselves. They were all around taking ballroom dancing lessons, dancing to poor quality stereos, and singing into cheap microphones attached to blown amps (the dancing was cute, but the singing was on par with the butter tea with salt). Why they do this in such cold weather is a mystery to us, but they seemed to be having fun. Meaghan and Lynae and I decided to join in on some dancers and within minutes there were a swarm of spectators around, laughing, pointing, and taking pictures of us. They thought it was quited funny and we had a good laugh as well. We got a video- I'm going to try to post some videos when we get back to Korea.

We enjoyed our day immensely. Kevin played hockey with the locals on a frozen pond. We ate green bean turnovers at McDonalds (apple was not available, but the green bean filling was delicious). Kevin dressed up as a real Chinaman. We saw the old Beijing (poor and run down) and the new (like a mini Times Square). We admired the culture and neat buildings everywhere and marvelled at the complicated Chinese writing everywhere. How on earth can that be a language?!

China a different place again, and just as cool as the others. We're glad to be here and are looking forward to more adventures.

Noteworthy Incidents in Korea

We’ve just spent a couple relaxing days in Korea. To those of you who, for the past several months, have told me to slow down and stop working and playing so hard, you’ll be glad to know that I’ve done absolutely nothing for the last two days, and it feels great. I’ve slept, read, walked, watched movies, and gotten addicted to “Lost.” Slovenly behavior is wonderful in small doses. That’s what vacation is all about, right?

We head to Beijing tomorrow for more adventures, but there are a few noteworthy incidents that have happened in Korea.

Noteworthy Incident #1:
Committing a Korean Faux Pas

I was yelled at in Korean by my cab driver. Twice. And I wasn’t impressed, so I snipped back at him, in English of course. What a sight we must have been to passersby- a foreigner and local heatedly arguing in different languages.

You see, he drove up the side of the curb to let us out. I was on the side where traffic was whizzing by, and I cracked open my door. I didn’t flail it open to get the door decapitated by traffic- I just cracked it open so that when there was a pause in traffic I could calmly get out (the road was not that busy).

But my cab driver had a minor fit. He started gibbering at me in heated Korean, combined with excessive hand gestures.

“Don’t ever get out of a cab on the side of traffic,” Meaghan said, slightly rolling her eyes. “It’s really frowned upon here.” She apologized to the cab driver in Korean, and I apologized in English.

He backed the cab into their apartment complex driveway, and I got out. He got out. He started yelling at me again! I am only slightly embellishing here. Lynae will testify that he was giving me a piece of his mind in a loud voice. I can only imagine what he was saying: “You dumb blonde foreigner! You don’t do that in Korea! I’ll get sued from your side of the world when you get smoked by a car! You stupid white girl, go back to your own country!”

I was tired and in no mood to be yelled at in a language I didn’t understand, for an innocent mistake, so I replied in heated tones, “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t know! It was a mistake. Mistake! I won’t do it again! We already apologized, anyway, so get over it.”

Finally we stopped gibbering at each other in unintelligible languages and moved on with our day.

I am becoming increasingly wary of foreign cab drivers.

Noteworthy Incident #2:
Staring at White Girls With No Shame

White girls are all around on TV and even in ads, but not so much on the streets of Busan, South Korea. So when we go out in public- especially the three of us together- it’s a peculiar sensation to be regarded with such interest and curiosity. There are those that openly stare, following us with their heads until they get neck strain. There are those that are subtle about it; when caught they quickly drop their eyes. Naïve children wave and yell, “hello!” from a distance. Men come up to us and shake our hands. Teenage girls giggle and make comments from the streets. It’s strange to think that we’re so foreign here, especially since in Canada we see all nationalities on a regular basis (ok, maybe not in Sarnia, but I digress).

Noteworthy Incident #3:
Walking Backwards

Busan is on the sea, and it’s gorgeous. There’s a nice waterfront that is very close to the apartment, and I enjoy walking it. The weather here is about 16 degrees. Yesterday I was walking and I noticed a man up ahead facing my way, but moving away from me. As I crept closer I realized he was walking backwards. He was in a suit, mid 30’s, and very deliberately walking the concrete line backwards to stay on course. Peculiar. Even more so when ½ hour later on my way back, I passed him again and he was still walking backwards. I won’t even try to analyze that one.

Noteworthy Incident #4
Language Barriers

You cannot imagine the issues of language barriers until you experience it. Try deviating from any norm when ordering anything simple, like a coffee (no skim milk lattes for me). Ordering takeout takes as much energy as running a marathon, and there’s a good chance it will still be screwed up. Wondering if a particular item in a store is available in a different color. A wrong number on the cell phone. Getting directions. Answering the door. Correcting a mistake on a restaurant tab. Meaghan trying to explain to a dermatologist what ails her. Communication is something we take for granted until it’s snatched away. It’s a curious sensation of being lost and segregated from a great deal of people. I tend to say less, put up with more, and have lower expectations. I’m sure it’s just as frustrating for them as us. I have a new appreciation for immigrants, specifically my grandparents who came from Holland in their 20’s.

The blog has been a trifle boring and I’m sure you’re tired of pictures of us, but Beijing should spruce things up a bit.

Picture Time

Finally I have selected and posted a few pictures. Because I had to resize them all and the blog formatting is off, I only included a few for each post (we have tons). They are sprinkled throughout all the blogs, so you'll have to scroll down through the old ones, including the ones on the "older posts" page.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas in Korea is definitely different, but we're making some great memories here.

Christmas Eve was spent with a pile of Meaghan and Kevin's friends in a large apartment overlooking the sea. We started the festivities early in the evening and had one giant sleepover. Some highlights included ridiculous dancing to Transiberian Orchestra "skid-licious" Christmas music, and singing to Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You", R&B version. We ate chocolate, introduced Koreans to homeade egg nog, played games and wore Reindeer antlers and Santa hats. It was a beautiful night and Kevin and I went for a motorcycle ride. He let me drive it for a bit. It was my favorite part, especially running all the red lights.


The Esser family tradition dictates that puzzles must be done around Christmas time. Our wonderful mother sent a suitcase full of presents for us, and a quick shake of all of them indicated a puzzle. It was addressed to me and we opened this one only on Christmas Eve. I squealed with delight when I saw the handsome face of Jack Sparrow staring at me with that half crazed pirate look I love, ony because it's Johnny Depp giving it. There was a complimentary poster that came with, but being the wonderful sister I am, and noting the bare walls in Meaghan's apartment, I not only gave it to her, but taped it on the ceiling above her side of the bed. What a giving sister I am.

This morning we opened presents with our friends here, Kevin's making us all omelets, and after that my sisters and Kevin and I will go back to do our own Christmas. A nap will be in order and then we're going to an Indian restaurant for dinner. Who says you have to eat turkey on Christmas?

The past few days have been filled with excitement and activity. We went to a club and loved the attention as we were the only foreigners in the whole place, enjoyed free drinks and Korean food by crashing Meaghan's staff Christmas party, and have been very silly and giddy, as only sisters can be. We went to the fish market where I bought a live octopus to eat. Unfortunately the language barrier was too much, and they wouldn't cut it for me (the tentacles still move when you cut it). By the time we tried to communicate with the 3rd Korea to explain that yes, this white girl wanted to eat it, the octopus was half dead and we had to throw it in the garbage. Lynae felt bad for the octopus. I still want to try to eat him.

Merry Christmas!

Lynae's Perspective

Hey, It's Lynae here. I thought it was about time I put my 2 Baht's worth on the blog.

I have to say, Denise has done a pretty thorough job of keeping you guys updated on our wild and wacky adventures. We really are having the time of our lives! Of course, me moreso, as I have yet to be bitten by any foreign creatures. What is it about her they find so appealing? Why am I not attractive to them? At least the monkey like me, or my dreads at the very least.

Well, there is one thing I wanted to clear up that I noticed she conveniently left out of her writings. That night, after being serenaded by Kenny G, I was startled awake to find someone stroking my leg. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I have to admit, it was kinda creepy. I soon realized what was going on, however, when I heard her mutter something about Kenny G in her sleep. She will try to tell you she thought I was Kokomo, her overgrown cat who is too fat to clean her own back, which results in dreads even I am jealous of. But let's be honest...how do you get my prickly cactus leg mixed up with a cute and cuddly furball?

Another thing I wanted to mention is that it is amazing that all our trips have worked out, as the language barrier leaves much to be desired. They take your money, give you a voucher, and send you on your way. We were particulary nervous when our bus was late to pick us up, so they threw us in a cab with a non-English speaking cabbie to get to the bigger bus which would take us on our 20 hour trek. The scary thing about that was his 1 and a half inch thumbnail, neatly filed to a point. The only thing we can figure is that it is his coke nail, but whether that is a cocaine nail, or a coconut nail (these guys are pretty adept at peeling the soft coconut out of the shell in one piece), we'll never know. It was definitely a little spooky.

I was bummed we didn't get to ride in one of the pink cabs, though. No kidding, these guys love pink! I wish I had a pretty pink car...Maybe we can give AJ a makeover when we get home in tribute to our trip. After all, he's pretty much pink anyways now that his paint is so faded.

Well, I was trying to figure out my favourite mode of transportation, but there's definite questionable aspects to all. Take for instance the Sky Train in Bangkok: it certainly got us around for cheap, and eventually we were even able to stop the Thai workers' amusment and buy our tickets ourself, but riding that thing during rush hour gives a whole new meaning to "crammed like sardines in a can." Just when you think that you can't possibly fit another body in that poor overworked train, the doors open at the next station and 20 more people squeeze on. Good thing for Denise and I that we tower over everyone, so we got some pretty good breathing space above the crowd.

The bus also had some drawbacks, which Denise filled you in on. Man, that bus was something else! I was half expecting to start bouncing up and down on hydraulics when that music started! It wasn't so amusing after a while though - we were tired.

Of course, the cab rides were pretty interesting. Like I said, Coke Finger was sketchy, but that was nothing compared to jumping over medians and steep concrete ditches with 40lb packs on our backs on a busy highway after our cab broke down! I figured we might have trouble when I noticed the low fuel light on just as our 30 min journey started. Lesson learned: don't assume the cabbie knows how far he can travel on fumes, especially when there is an airplane deadline to meet and he doesn't speak english.

One more interesting thing is how they use the word "porn". I'm not sure what they think it means, but you see it on corner store signs, restaurants, and other places. The first time we saw it, it was on a restaurant sign advertising Vitaporn. We excitedly rushed in, and let me tell ya, it was pretty disappointing to find nothing in there but Thai food, no matter how good it tasted!

I hope everyone has a great Christmas! I'd say we've missed you all, but the truth is we've been having too much fun and adventure to think a whole lot about home! Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Adventures en Route to Korea

All good things must come to an end. It's a brutal fact of life. Sadly, Thailand has come to an end as well. But we have great memories, great pictures (to be posted soon), and both concluded that we've probably just experienced one of the best weeks of our lives. I realize just how privileged I am.

Sure, the weather and scenery of Korea are no comparison to Thailand, but it is comforting to know that we still have a few weeks left in Asia, and the prospect of spending time with Meaghan and Kevin is like drinking hot chocolate on a cold day.

Our last couple days in Thailand were terrific, but much of the same: swimming, sunning, and shopping. The long bus ride back to Bangkok was amusing for a time. We entered the large double decker bus (fortunately with better shocks than the last one), and laughed at the rainbow colored seats, complimentary blankets with designs of fluorescent plaid, and the fuchsia curtains decorating the windows like garland on a Christmas tree. I told you pink was everywhere.

As if that wasn't humorous enough, the speakers started positively blaring old school hip hop. It's midnight. We have 12 hours on this bus, and have been traveling for hours in other forms of transportation. The excessively loud hip hop was about appropriate as picking your nose in church. But all we could do is laugh because it was so bizarre. We got into a hysterical, over-tired fit of the giggles. We looked around the psychedelic interior of the bus and commented that Austin Powers would have been proud. We laughed some more. But when we started hearing 70's songs reincarnated as modern hip hop, the fun was over. Fortunately it only lasted for half an hour.

The second humorous event of the trek back to Korea was much better.

We gave ourselves plenty of time to be at the airport, but neglected to account for rush hour traffic. Bad move on our part in a city of 16 million people. (Mistake number one.) We took the overcrowded Skytrain as far as we could, lopping poor Thai people in the head with our backpacks, mine at 45lbs and Lynae's at 35lbs. We had a hard time hailing a cab; they were all full. Finally we found a Taxi stand with a lone cab with the hood up.

"Airport?" We asked. You learn in a country with massive language barriers to speak in single words and massive hand gestures.

"Ok," he says, as he slams down the hood of the cab. (Mistake number two: Never trust a cab when the driver's peeking under the hood.)

The drive to the airport is at least 1/2 an hour and we're in massive traffic, nervously watching the clock click on. Lynae comments that his fuel light is on. Strange, considering we're over 1/2 hour away from the airport. But we concede that as a cab driver, he must know what he's doing. (Mistake number three.)

After about 20 minutes the cab sputters and stalls like a stubborn child. He cranks the engine a few times and we heave a sigh of relief as it chugs to life. We go up an incline on a busy highway, and lo and behold, we stall again.

He turns the engine for 5 minutes and no luck. He peeks under the hood. We are looking at each other, saying, "he's out of gas! Why is he looking under the hood?" He pours clear liquid into some gadget under the hood. Finally, nervous at the time, I look at him, point at my watch a few times and say, "new taxi!"

He nods and makes a phone call as we're stranded on the side of the highway in a gassless cab, pushing our luck for time, laughing a sort of nervous laugh, because despite the time constraints, it's funny as hell. Truth is indeed stranger than fiction.

Thankfully in 5 minutes another cab came along, but he was on the other side of the highway. We took our heavy back packs, jumped over the cement median, went down a ditch, jumped over a bit of water, and entered the new cab, teetering along because we're so top heavy.


We made it in time. 18 hours later, we staggered, once again, into Meaghan and Kevin's apartment at almost 4am. Today we visited the children again and received Christmas cards-- addressed to "Teacher Meaghan's Older Sister"-- and many hugs and squeals of delight. Tonight we are going for dinner with Meaghan's staff; we have been invited to their Christmas dinner by her boss. We're enjoying our celebrity-like status here.

Yawn. I need a nap.

Bit by a Fish

Remember the movie "The Beach" with Leonardo DiCaprio? I was there. The only thing that could have possibly made it any better was if Leo himself was on the beach giving me a Thai massage.

Back to reality.

We took a glorious boat ride to Phi Phi Island (pronounced "Pee Pee". Please take a moment to get any immature giggles out now). It was simply gorgeous. There's a reason the movie was filmed there. I am actually tired right now, so will not try any clever descriptions. Rather, tomorrow I will post pictures (I am back in Korea now, but that's another blog entry).

We jumped off the boat to snorkel in Maya Bay. One peek under the water with my goggles, and I was amazed at the sheer volume of fish. They were as numerous as the stars and didn't seem phased about the swimmers admiring them. I tried to touch them, which should have been easy considering how many there were, but they were too quick for me. They were such vivid colors; it was almost as if they were lit by green, blue, orange and yellow Christmas lights.


Next stop, Monkey Beach. We snorkeled and swam to this beach, which was naturally inhabited by monkeys! There were lots of them- all sizes. The baby monkeys were especially adorable. They were all swinging from trees and eating bananas that the tourists were handing out like candy. As I keep saying, they are fascinating creatures to watch.

We then sat on a beach in a cove and drank coconut milk. The cove was gorgeous, as is everything, but this area was overrun by tourists. I don't blame them, though. We walked out 100ft and the water was only up to our knees. Ipperwash times 1000. As I was admiring the view around us, I let out a little yelp. I clutched my calf. "Something bit me!" I exclaimed as I looked down to see a mischievous little fish darting away. It stung quite a bit and I had a red mark on my calf to prove it. Crabs, fish...the sea creatures here love me.

We enjoyed the boat ride back and when we got back to our hostel room (upgraded for free to a hotel room) we decided we needed some North America- we had just been too inundated with so much new excitement. We laid on our bed and ate bread and chips and chocolate and howled as we watched Napoleon Dynamite.

I dreamt that night that while snorkeling I caught a delicious bass and fed it to the ligers of Phi Phi Island.

The Pink Panther

Thai people, apparently like much of Asia, have very little regard for the rules of the road. There are no such things as lanes, and passing happens as close as possible to the slow vehicle. Right-of-way seems to be a concept as foreign as snow. Traffic lights are optional. And those double yellow lines that in Canada mean "very dangerous, absolutely no passing"? In Thailand they don't seem to mean that, but they should, considering they are only found up a hill and around a corner.

So when we rented a charming little scooter Lynae was a little scared. She reminded me of the time I allegedly almost killed her when I took her for an exciting Sea-doo ride 10 years ago. Also of the time I allegedly almost killed her with my other siblings in a speedboat 12 years ago. Bah. Of course she also reminds me that the Thai people drive on the left side of the road, which maybe difficult getting used to, Denise, when you have been driving on the right all your life. Double bah.

So with her gripping my waist rather tightly, I gave the little scooter some throttle as I wobbled down the street, dodging a mini bus in the process. And here we are, alive to talk about it.

We originally wanted our own scooters. However, we neglected to bring our driver's licenses to Thailand and were informed that the police love to prey on white people driving scooters and fine them when they are unable to produce a license. The lady basically told us to expect this more than once. A fine is only 300 baht, the equivalent of about $10, but we could get a Thai massage on the beach for the same price, and fines seemed to be a dreadful way to cut into our travel budget. Especially if we both got hit multiple times. In comparison, to rent the scooter for 24 hours was only 250 baht. So we rented just one. And to avoid unnecessary suspense here, we didn't get one fine. One explanation was that the Thai Police don't work too hard to Sundays.

Our scooter was pink, and Lynae wittingly named him "The Pink Panther" when I suggested that he needed a name. You all know my obssession with naming things. Before you think of us girls as silly and frivolous, renting a pink scooter, let me inform you that the color pink is everywhere in Thailand. It started when we boarded the Thai airlines plane, where the seats were purple with bright pink designs. Then we saw pink taxis, macho men wearing pink helmets, pink bowls, pink this, pink that. Therefore, we could only chuckle at our gleaming pink scooter.


The glorious thing about Phuket is that the mountains collash with the ocean. Therefore, we would whir up a remote road, surrounded by trees, turn a sharp bend, and be hit by a view so breathtaking I would almost crash. A cliff overlooking the vast ocean, as blue as my dad's Dutch eyes. Sand as white as lace. Palm trees and other lush greenery covering the mountains like a garment. Seeing the terrain of Thailand on the scooter was like seeing the most amazing scenery on the big screen, like Lord of the Rings, live and in person, and even that doesn't begin to justify the magnificence.

We puttered around on the scooter for a while, through the mountains, around the bend, and along the coast. At particularly steep inclines, The Pink Panther would chug, me giving her all she's got, and still only pushing 40 kph at best. But going down was fun: no throttle needed. I actually had to give the brakes all they had, spurned, in part, by Lynae's increasingly tight death grip on my waist. The only thing that would have make the day any better was if the Pink Panther was subbed with my Honda Shadow.


We ate lunch on the beach, sitting down Indian style at a table with stubby legs. I ordered seafood salad. "Spicy ok?" He asked in a thick accent. "Yes, ok," I said with a smile. You all know my love for spicy food, and I can tolerate it fairly well.

But one bite of this and I felt like someone had detonated a bomb in my mouth. I chugged water. I sucked ice cubes. I blew my nose. My eyes poured tears. "Oh...my...goodness," I sputtered.

Lynae took one of whiff of it, claimed it burned her nostrils, and told me to order something else. But I had to finish it. Maybe it was stupidity. Maybe it was determination not to let the food get the best of me. Maybe it was the prawn and squid and calamarie staring at me, having sacrificed their lives for my dinner. Every bite seemed to have a fire pepper in it. But I did (hack, cough) finish my lunch (Lynae, can I have some of your water?). I swear all tastebuds were annihilated. My mouth burned solidly for 15 minutes.

After that near death experience, we scootered around some more, went to the beach, lazed around, had dinner on the beach and watched the sun set. Then we said bye-bye to our lovely Pink Panther.

Must jet. You will all get a treat in the next day or so when Lynae will dazzle you with her own post.

Galloping Elephants and Weight Lifting Monkeys

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my whimsical ideals has been to "go to Thailand and ride an elephant."

I realized that dream. I could die tomorrow and I would be happy.

Of course it was in a controlled environment. I mean, I can be daft at times, but I surely never thought I could go into the Thai jungle with a machete, emulate an elephant call, have one come up to me, grab on to an ear, shimy up his back and go for a trek through Thailand.

So we found a safari run by Thai locals. First we got to feed a baby elephant pineapple. He was adorable. It's a pecular sensation to have a slimy trunk grab some food from your hand and twist his trunk to deliver the pineapple to his mouth, then greedily paw at your hand with the trunk for more food again. As if that weren't cute enough, he picked up a hat off the ground and placed it on the head of a local Thai guy, and he also played the harmonica (I swear he even bent a note, dad). Charming.

We then got to ride mama elephant, led by a Thai man perched on her head. We sat in some sort of bamboo harness and first impressions as I sat down were, "my goodness we're high off the ground." But as she walked away, I looked around at the Thai mountains and forests and pathways, and I forgot all about how high up I was. It was breathtaking. Elephants are so large that the sensation of being on the back was similar to being in a floating row boat in choppy waters. I almost felt motion sickness, but it was such a cool experience that I got over it quite quickly.

Through the forests we went, up ravines and down ravines. Our elephant stopped at her whim to eat brush and whatnot. When we were in a ravine the Thai commander gave a pecular shout and our elephant started galloping up the hill. Not only have I ridden an elephant, I have galloped on an elephant. Like I said, I could die tomorrow happy.

As if that wasn't enough excitement for the day, we stopped at what they call "Monkey School". There were a pile of adorable monkeys again in a controlled environment. PETA would have a heyday with them, as they were tied up. But we also had a heyday with them, for different reasons. They jumped on our laps, demanded bananas, and one greedy little rascal jumped on Lynae and started eating a plastic bag since there were no bananas left. They shook hands with us, kissed us (not only do the crabs like me, so do the monkeys), and one started playing with Lynae's dreadlocks. They are remarkable little creatures and very mischevious. They had us laughing and amused for a long time.

They gave us a little monkey show and we saw them shimy up palm trees and peel coconuts. Then they got a little silly. One monkey lifted a small barbell, did push ups and sit ups. Then he rode a little bicycle with training wheels! So silly, yet so charming. Monkeys are fascinating creatures; even more so up close.

That was only the first half of our day. The second was just as marvelous, but that will have to wait. We only have a few hours left in Phuket, and as much as I love you all, I need another Thai massage on the beach before the long bus ride back to Bangkok.

Less blogging, more suntanning. (Yes, I am a glorious shade of brown. Ok, there's some red blotches mixed in as well where I missed a spot or two with the sunscreen. Lynae says I'm a red neck. Honestly, who thinks to put sunscreen on their neck?)

Kenny G and Ass Pinching Crabs

Sigh. This is the life. This place is so amazing I feel like I am in a permanent state of euphoria.

Take yesterday, for instance. We take a local bus to our new hostel by the beach. The local bus is really a pick-up truck with benches in the back with a covering from the sun. We get to our hostel to find out that it has been overbooked, but fear not, for we get a free upgrade to the "guesthouse". We enter our room to find a private bathroom, queen sized bed, air conditioner, fridge, and TV. After our hostels this is akin to driving a Mercedes after my beloved 1995 Toyota Tercel.

We take our 5 minute trek to the beach, stopping along the way for a young coconut. A Thai woman lops the top off and inserts a straw and we sip the refreshing, slightly sweet milk. Heavenly.

Upon setting foot on the sandy beach, we decide to get Thai massages. We lie down and the Thai women give us the most amazing full body massage, ass cheeks and all. The massage lasts one hour and we pay only $10 CAD for this treat. While they work their magic on our muscles, we hear the coo of their Thai tongue, the waves of the ocean, and are serenaded by Kenny G.


No kidding, Kenny G. Live and in person. Most of you who know me realize that Kenny G makes me want to kill myself on a good day, and stab someone with a fork on a bad, specifically when he does Celine Dion "My Heart Will Go On" covers. However, there was a jazz festival to be had on the beach that day and he was doing a sound check. Being as it was a jazz festival, he stuck to more jazzy tunes. He honked on his saxophone, backed up by his band, for at least a half hour for the sound check. We went over and watched him for a bit. He was probably only 10ft away from us. No one can deny it- the boy has talent. Nothing funny, I just love talent.

Who else can say they've gotten Thai massages on the beaches of Phuket while being serenaded by Kenny G's jazz? I am completely and utterly spoiled and I know it.

We lay on the beach for a while (and have pink noses to prove it) and as I am relaxing, I sit up with a start and a slight yelp. Something has bitten my ass, I am sure of it. I investigate to see a mischevous little crab running away. He may have been cute under different circumstances.

Sunning, eating Thai cuisine, and swimming. That has been our life for the past couple days.

Like I keep saying. Don't be surprised if I don't make it back home.