Bad Trains & Near Death Experiences

The overnight train ride back to Hanoi left much to be desired. It was noisy most of the night, and even Gravol didn’t drown out the Vietnamese prattle and bumps and jolts along the way. The worst was the wake up call. Half an hour before arriving (at 5am) they blasted this hideous Asian music that was comprised of a recorder and nasally, high pitched female voices singing goodness knows what. It was so ridiculously loud my iPod couldn’t even drown it out. Nails scratching on a chalkboard would have sounded more harmonious than that crap.

Needless to say, when we arrived and it was still dark, we were a little irritable and in no mood to deal with everyone trying to peddle us cabs and scooters and cheap trinket crap. (When the cab dropped us off, we stood on a street corner in the dark, laden with our backpacks and laptops and a guy tried to harass us to give us a ride on his scooter. Honestly! I know they can pack a lot of stuff on their scooters, but sometimes they defy all common sense.) Sometimes I miss the anonymity I get back home. Here, everyone either stares at our every move or pounces on us, begging us to buy things. It’s charming at times, but wears thin as time goes on.

It was bliss to be able to board a plane to Ho Chi Minh City in lieu of overnight buses and trains. Ho Chi Ming is the capital of the South, twice the size of Hanoi, formerly called Saigon before the North claimed victory in the war. Meaghan and I had a blast on the plane ride over; I had forgotten how nice it can be travelling with someone on an airplane. We used a splitter on our iPods and played ridiculous music from our youth, namely the Sister Act soundtrack and artists like dc Talk, and lip-synced and giggled while doing actions and bobbing our heads. Yes, everyone stared, no, we would never do that in North America, but we figure that they all stare anyway, so why not give them a bit of cannon fodder? It was the best plane ride ever!

And it’s hot here! More than 30 degrees. We have a room with A/C and I’m thrilled. I love the heat.

We’ve had a nice time here so far. We’ve enjoyed fresh fruit smoothies and more springrolls, played with our lives trying to cross the streets, shopped a local market for more stuff that we ponder the intricacies of getting home, but buy anyway, and contemplated our day tomorrow (still undetermined- do we stay in Vietnam longer or head to Cambodia?) Today there has been a lot of surmising that it’s hard to believe we’re heading into the last leg of our trip. Where does time go?

Anyway, one of the things I wanted to elaborate on was the traffic here. I mean, you hear it’s bad, but experiencing it and driving in it is quite another. I certainly do not profess to be an expert, but should you find yourself on a motorcycle in this neck of the woods anytime soon, here are some tips I have determined to help survive. Disclaimer: Your life is still in jeopardy, even when following these tips.

1. In North America, you look both ways, wait for traffic to clear, and then merge. In Asia, do not do this. Firstly, you will never get a clear space. Secondly, this concept is so foreign to them that they will honk incessantly at you, and you risk being rear ended. Simply glide into oncoming traffic. They will swerve around you with remarkable ability. Bear in mind that they expect the same adeptness from you when they cut out in front of you. And it happens often.
2. In North America people honk their horns when angry. Here, they honk to let you know they are passing you. Translation: everyone is always honking because they are always passing. Earplugs could help preserve your sanity.
3. Should you have the need to pass someone, be forewarned that as you’re passing, they also might be inclined to pass someone. So essentially, you’re passing someone who is passing someone else. Normally there is not enough road for this, and as you are the left most person being forced left further, chances are, you run the risk of a head on collision. You should be okay, however, because Asians are experts in swerving and dodging traffic. Most of the time. If it’s a big truck lumbering at you, kick up the throttle, brace yourself for his fog horn blasts at you, and hope for a narrow escape. If you have a free moment, you can give the guy you tried to pass who also decided to pass the finger. Actually, don’t. Never take a hand off the bike, because chances are you already need to perform another swerve and dodge technique.
4. Be aware that at any moment, someone could cut in front of you from a driveway, side street, or even on a left-hand turn. It’s not a matter of if, but when. Always keep one hand on the brakes.
5. When seeing this road madness, you will be tempted to marvel at a seemingly low casualty rate. While perhaps it is remarkable, realize that accidents do happen frequently. I have witnessed at least 4. They happen all the time.
6. If a truck is driving in the middle of the road, it is not advisable to pass on the right. This would make sense, since there is space and they seem to have no rules for passing anyway, and you won’t run the risk of a head-on collision into oncoming traffic, but in doing this you run a grave risk of being run off the road, a deadly prospect if you are in a scooter.
7. Passing someone around curves and bends is essential if you want to get anywhere. Simply speed up, close your eyes, and hope that their swerving abilities are as keen as they usually are if they happen to be coming around the bend the opposite way.
8. Do your helmet up so tight that it almost chokes you, because it will go flying off your head if you exceed 60.
9. Never underestimate how quickly livestock can run in front of you. Yes, even cows can run.
10. Asian construction is often poorly labelled. There are no workers directing traffic. Just try to get through it and pray your shocks will survive the lack of a road.
11. There is no clear cut way for roundabouts. Whether you go clockwise or counter-clockwise depends on where you want to turn. Just use the swerving and dodging techniques that you have been forced to learn so quickly. Sometimes it’s better just to close your eyes and hope for the best.
12. Don’t make fun of Asians wearing silly masks when driving. After one brief drive, your friends will laugh at you because you look like either like a chimney sweep or a black person. You will begin to see the need for these silly looking masks when you arrive at your destination absolutely filthy.