"Fragrant String of Old Adopted Mother" for dinner, anyone?

We had the laugh of the trip when we first arrived in Beijing, and I doubt we'll be able to top it. Meaghan, who has lived in Asia for 6 months and travelled it extensively, testified that she has never seen anything so funny in Asia before.

Upon hotel check in, number one priority on the list is to eat. We’re starving.

Of course as we are new to China, we reckon that need to eat some authentic Chinese food. We see a restaurant across the street and decide to go in. We are greeted at the door as if we are local celebrities and about four Chinese servers giggle and gawk at us and lead us to a seat.

“English?” We ask, half resigned, noting complicated Chinese characters everywhere. By this time we had already learned that English is a rare commodity here. It’s barely popular in Thailand and Korea, but way more prominent than in China.

A server grins and puts up one finger as if to say, “I be right back.” Within minutes she proudly produces a special menu, and a quick glance shows us that there is English translation under the Chinese writing.

We heave a sigh of relief and begin to peruse the menu. Several servers wait for us at the table, which is slightly unnerving in itself. Soon we start to giggle discretely. Then we start to laugh and all discretion is thrown out the window. Within seconds we have completely lost it, and are splitting our sides at the table. The Chinese servers are waiting for us and exchange puzzled looks. Finally they too start to laugh, because what else can they do?

What is so funny? You ask. Check out a couple of the menu pages here to see their English translations: Menu 1 Menu 2. (For my technically challenged friends, after you click the link it should open a new window and you can zoom in if you need to with the magnifying glass. If it doesn't work, sorry. I was unable to test due to the crappy Internet connection here.)

We ordered 3 things that sounded half normal, and rice.

Dish number one was called something with chicken. It was cold and you can see a picture of it here. Anyone who knows me knows I have sharp taste buds, and not only will I eat anything, but love food many people hate: seafood, sushi, olives. Sure, the dish looked about as appealing as Michael Jackson’s face, but you can’t judge a book by its cover, right? I’ve never found a food that I really hate.

There’s a first time for everything. This dish made my blood curdle. I could barely swallow it. It tasted like old, slimy spam with sauerkraut, honey, and hot sauce. I tried it again, to give it a chance. But I almost puked. We still don’t know if it was a meat or a vegetable. For all I know it could have been dog. Obviously you can’t trust the English translations on the menu and if that was chicken, we’re going to die because that was one odd and unhealthy chicken.

Dish number two looked cabbagey. I popped a rolled cabbage in my mouth and choked and coughed. My eyes leaked like a broken canoe. My mouth was, once again, a blazing inferno. My nasals and sinuses were instantly cleared. My lovely sisters laughed very hard at me.

Dish number three was actually delicious. Sweet and sour pork, just like you might order at a Chinese restaurant back home, but the real deal. Thank God for small miracles.

If anyone wants a job in Beijing, English translation proofreading would be a great place to start.